I have these angel cards that I pick from, not daily, but whenever they call to me. They have different words written on them that always seem to fit the moment and make me go, "ahhhh, yes." Yesterday's card was "integrity". A very big concept and one that I have thought a lot about the past several months and struggle with. I could even go as far as blame this word for not having written more blog posts. That huge word and its back and forth battles with my inner demons. "What do I know?" "Who am I to say that?" "Why do I want to share this with anyone???" "Who cares?" Ah integrity. I struggle with my integrity as a teacher. I worry that I am not bringing my all to my classes. That I am not being all the Julia that I can be. You know that feeling? That feeling of holding back for whatever reasons- fear, nerves, etc. and then feeling like you're missing out because of that? Yeah I get that. I fear that I am not sharing my all, that I am faking it kind of. Make sense? Sometimes I feel like I wear this mask of having everything together because I feel like that's what someone who is teaching should look like. Have you ever watched Legally Blonde and she has her first day at law school and gets all dressed up and announces, "I totally look the part." Yeah, I totally want to seem the part of the yoga teacher even if, especially if, I don't feel like I am. I want to be a Yoda kind of teacher- wise, all knowing, with this peaceful glow about me, and bursting with enlightenment and all that goodness. But as a friend pointed out to me, I'm only 27! I just started all this! This is the time to try and to be excited and yes fuck up but LEARN from it!!! I truly believe and talk a lot about how the point is not to make the poses perfect. We all bring something new to a yoga pose and the pose is expressed differently by each person. That's part of what's so awesome; this uniqueness and individual quality we can all bring to yoga is something I totally love. (Hello, check out the name of my website! NOT Be Perfect but Be You!!!) But heaven forbid I am not the perfect teacher totally on top of her game, that I am not Yoda 7 months after receiving my certification! Whoa. I think these thoughts, fears, and worries qualify as not living with integrity. I may have it wrong but that really doesn't even matter. That's right, it doesn't matter if my definition is off. It's more about what the word, what the angel card, brings up and inspires in the reader. And I am inspired. I want to practice integrity in my yoga practice, in my teaching, in my meditation practice, in my life; be fully present and most importantly for me, take it gently and one step at a time. It's all a practice. It's all a chance to be open, to be ok with showing that messy mushy soft side of myself (yikes!), every moment a chance to practice kindness and gentleness toward myself to draw out the honest true Julia, a chance to put away the armor and the masks and let my inner light shine through. Because that's ALWAYS worth it and always beautiful. I think bringing that to the table every chance I get takes integrity. What do you think?
Be inspired by spring and the new season and the new growth. Strip off all those extra winter layers and with them take off those layers you use to protect your inner self! Go out without the armor, without the masks, stripped down to that beautiful, amazing, messy, mushy, sofy, super human you are! Be willing to take a chance and let your light shine bright!
love and light,
3/23/2011 09:57:34 pm
i just read your beautiful awesome essay on integrity. I would say intergrity implies lots of effort, hard work, initiative... Like dragging yourself to practice the piano, i mean really practice and work out the exact place/ part of difficulty... Why the fingers and brain just can't get coordinated... Hard wofj! Or, like dragging your stiff body every morning out of complacency
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